Who Tells Your Story?

Having PTSD has been like being ready to let go of trauma but the trauma clings to you. They always talk about “letting go.” They never talk about the pull. You have to weight-train for this shit so that you can be strong enough to pull off something that has become - in some ways - a part of you.

Part of my weight-training shall consist of writing my story. I will write for as long as I need to exercise the demons that sit heavily upon my shoulders.

I do not want to cry or feel this much pain anymore. I do not want to shake uncontrollably from the anger, the abandonment, and the fear. I do not want to feel shame for one more moment, especially for things to which I owe none. I do not want to keep seeing flashbacks of the past when I am writing my future. I do not want to be such a major center of my universe now. I have more important things to do if I want to leave a legacy of helping others. To truly impact others in the way I see possible, I will need to use my weight-training for more than my own trauma.

But first, my story.

I am going to write a letter to one person at a time. The persons to whom I’ll be writing will be individuals whose actions have caused me to carry additional weight. Perhaps I will assign a weight to each person to indicate how heavy the pain is that they left on my shoulders.

My goal in writing these letters is to feel as though by speaking my truth, I can let some weight down and ready for them to pick up or perhaps to let the world carry it for me. My hope is that by exercising the words in writing I will have fewer negative thoughts forcing themselves through my mind or at least for their intervals to become fewer and farther between. I would love if I could stop having nightmares. What a dream come true that would be…