How I Met My Half-Sister From the Man Who Abused Me
I have always known about Paige. That was never the issue. When I came out about being sexually assaulted by my father, my step-mother (now ex-step) was pregnant with a little girl. Despite the physical and mental torment I had been through, I remember being excited to learn that I was going to have a little sister. Unfortunately, no one knew my true feelings. Instead of loving and supporting me for the trauma I had gone through and for the bravery it took to come forward, my “allegations”, my truth, were met by some very caustic remarks. Family members had ignored me, blamed me, called me names like “slut,” (and I was twelve, by the way) and said I was jealously making up stories to detract attention from a new baby girl. Despite the fact that my mother lived several states away, investigators believed I was making up stories or repeating lies told to me by my mother. Those words still hurt me to this day.
But I have never blamed Paige, of course. I have always felt weirdly connected to this girl whom I have never met. I have watched her grow through her mother’s Facebook posts. I bought a build-a-bear and some earrings for her that I have held onto for years, with the intent to give them to her one day. Regardless of the care I feel for Paige, I have never reached out to her, nor did I intend to until my father was behind bars or she was an adult. I have wanted to speak to her, to get know her, but I never wanted anyone to possibly use our relationship against her. I worried for years that our father might assault her too. And in case that occasion arose, I did not want investigators believing she was “making up stories” that she heard from me.
She is now twelve years old, and she has officially reached out to me. Questioning what to do sent me into a three-day spiral of depression, anxiety, and numbness. My life partner, William, and I spent an entire day discussing all the possibilities - is this even Paige? is Paige being manipulated by my father? is Paige in danger? is she with him? with her mother? what does she know? how does she feel? is she mad at me? does she need help or does she legitimately just want to know me? is this something that can be postponed until after I take the Bar exam? why is she contacting me at the same age I was when our father began sexually assaulting me? did it happen to her too?
Our lives have been very complicated, especially mine. I have maybe six half-siblings that I know about. And those siblings have half-siblings of their own, and I know about some of them. I lived with my father until I was twelve and moved out in December 2007, when I was twelve years old because my father was sexually assaulting me, a step too far above the physical abuse I endured for the prior decade. When I left, I left behind the most wonderful child I ever met in my life, my baby brother, Grady. Grady was my ex-step-mother’s and father’s child. And the abuse and neglect we endured brought Grady and I very close together. I took care of Grady; I bathed him, cooked for him, danced with him, played with him, and tucked him in for bed. Basically, I tried to keep Grady from ever bothering our father, who would beat you senseless over a video game.
I loved Grady more than I ever loved anyone, and leaving him was the hardest thing I ever had to do. So I moved from New Jersey to Georgia with my mother. My stepmother carried to full term and had Paige. And Grady and Paige were left to witness the abuse I could no longer endure. But I was twelve and no one believed me anyway. There was nothing I could do.
Two years later I moved back to New Jersey with my mother and her sons, and by the time I finished 9th grade, Grady died. From a car accident. And I went to his funeral. And a part of me died and has yet to be revived. I have always felt like I lost my child - my one and only child. That is how I will always remember the person I loved most. I know I am not biologically his mother, but I have never felt anything less.
So Paige knew Grady for her first few years of life, and then he died. And then (from what I understand) she came across a photo of Grady and I together, and her mother (my ex-step-mother) told her everything. About me being her sister. About our father sexually assaulting me. My ex-step-mother says she even admitted that she was not there for me the way I deserved. I don’t know how much is true, but this is what I’m told. And I am going about it the best way I know how - very fucking carefully.
